Can’t Go Wrong With Condoms

The research speaks for itself. Using a condom not only significantly lowers your risk for contracting HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, but it can be the only thing standing between you and a paternity suit.

So why aren’t you using one? Don’t give us that line about how it “feels different”. Of course it feels different. But it doesn’t feel bad. The newest kinds of condoms are made of such thin and sensitive material that you won’t be missing much— some people actually say that the material itself feels nice. Soft, and kind of velvety. Nothing like the linen condoms used several centuries ago. (God, that must have chafed.)

And women actually like it when men use condoms. First of all, she knows you’re a responsible adult who expects to share the burden of birth control. That’s so mature. (Mature is sexy.)

Second of all, today’s condoms come in all sorts of textures. Ribbing and other bumps and dots add stimulation. Neon, glow in the dark varieties make sex a little more fun. There are even flavored condoms (sugar free, don’t worry) and lubricated condoms for those who complain that they “get a little dry”. The only thing they haven’t invented is a condom that plays the Bolero as you approach climax. (But in a few years, who knows? They put mp3 players in everything now.) .

Let’s not forget the fact that condoms are the only form of birth control you can slip into your wallet. It’s handy, just in case you score at the night club or your secretary decides to “keep you company” while you’re pulling an all nighter in the office. You can even scatter condoms in strategically chosen places in your home: by your bedside tabe, in your medicine cabinet, right next to the wine bottle opener (never know when the actions starts). So you can’t say you “Forget one”—and trust us, you don’t want to tell your date that you just ran out after last night’s threesome.

When choosing a condom make sure that it’s a snug fit. Don’t risk losing the condom in the middle of sex—and once you take it out, boy, don’t put it back in. These aren’t reusable. Open another sachet (they’re cheap, don’t worry about it) and go for round two. Never store condoms in a place with high temperatures. And if you ever feel a condom’s broken, then don’t be an idiot.