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Getting Creative with Lubricants

Of course it’s fun to “improvise” in bed. Nothing wrong with having a little fun with the whipped cream, or finding new uses for feather dusters. But as a general rule, you’ve got to be careful about what you put inside your body. There are reasons why doctors use sterilized rubber gloves whenever they poke into your privates.

Some “alternative”/”homemade”/”organic” lubricants—i.e., the banana cream pie left over from dessert—can get really funky when it’s left in the vagina. You’ve got to know that no matter how much you wash, the body’s got naturally occurring bacteria, what oby-gynecologists like to call “flora”. Left on their own, they’re harmless. Introduce a foreign substance full of sugars, and they go on a feeding frenzy and multiply like gremlins. Next thing you know, you’re a walking petrie dish. Same applies to anything else made out of egg white (like whipped cream), pie filling, or mayonnaise.

Moisturizing lotion doesn’t help either. It can lead to antibiotic resistant bacteria strains. These super squirmies can become extremely dangerous in weeks, even months, and lead to extended hospital stays and the dubious privilege of being a “rare medical case” for hospital interns to talk about during their breaks.

Mineral oil (or even cooking oil) isn’t a safe lubricant either, especially if you plan to get into any mouth action. If swallowed, it can sneak its way into your digestive system and act as a powerful laxative. You’ll be chained to the bathroom for the next 48 hours—moaning and groaning too, but not out of ecstasy. Mineral oil can also get into the lungs, causing lipoid pneumonia and other very unromantic respiratory infections. Besides, how do you know if that oil’s clean, especially if you keep dipping your fingers into it?

A lot of people like using petroleum jelly, since it’s cheap, readily available, and can be bought from the corner drugstore without people staring at your package and snickering. But it’s harder to clean off, since it’s not water soluble, and can make your latex condoms less effective against pregnancy and STD’s. They can also cling to the walls of the vagina and rectum days after the deed, causing infection, and generally feeling greasy.

So the bottom line is to just use lubricants designed to be lubricants, and satisfy your desire to experiment by trying out all the positions of the Kama Sutra. You’ve a lot to choose from, anyway—change brands every day of the week, if you like, or get one of the variants that are tinged with peppermint or chili for an extra zing. (Here’s a fun tip to try: breathing on the area right after application heightens the effect, adding a new dimension to the word “blow job”).

You can also find lubricants that will up the blood flow to the body part that it’s applied to, including the penis and the clitoris. Some swear that it makes their peckers look a little perkier, especially when applied with a little lovin’.

Missing the taste of banana cream pie? Look for flavored lubricants, which have the added advantage of not making a big mess on the sheets.








 



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